Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
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Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
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I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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