false alarm. still invincible.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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