I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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