we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
