Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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