then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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