booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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