Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
being pregnant is like rehab
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
