I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
