Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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