his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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