I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
