i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
