I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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