You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
