i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
