That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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