I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
