Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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