i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Its about making memories worth repressing
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Drunk is not a location!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
