Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
