Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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