I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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