Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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