He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
