I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
