this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I understand Curling. That high.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
