too bad you live with your parents still
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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