i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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