you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
