sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
