I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
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then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
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Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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