i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize