just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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