I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
