The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She bit a glass in half.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
