Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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