i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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