I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
