Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
