the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
