dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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