Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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