btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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