so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
