just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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