Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
