I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
