I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
