I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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