The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
