Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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