i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i out mim tonsoeep
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