i wish peter jackson would direct porn
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
