Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
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Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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