okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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