his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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