she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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