i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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