you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
