Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
